Defense Mechanism

This is the great purge
I want to go back to my old self
Before u made a fool out of me.

Became a slave to my emotions
They are ruining me
And more grief than a blessing.

I was stronger when I was like the wind
I'd say goodbye to all the boys,
And silence the noise.

No looking back
My feelings were put on the shelf
And my life was on track.

Kept moving towards a good man
Now I got him,
And I don't know how to act.

My stoic person decided to care
Somewhere in the mix
I lost my strength.

Starting from scratch
To battle new pain
I'm on my own;

It seems this battle is my own.
If I knew what to feel?
I'd be on that path.

Hearing heartbreak
I build a wall
Bracing for impact.

I'll wait patiently
Although you assure me that,
That day will never come.

Green-eyed Monster

Burning at the stake
Consumed by wrathful flames
I feel it taking over me.

My emerald eyes fixated
Searching for a future where they don't exist
Maybe then there would be 1 less worry.

I'm in no position to talk
So i bite my tongue,
And my thoughts scream loudly.

I clench my fist
My claws pierce my skin
My territorial blood drenches the flames.

Out of the fire
I am my fear
The B*tch is here.

Blues of the Honey

Lies sweet as honey,
I injest them;
B/c they taste better than the truth.

Silly Boy
I'm just looking for a quick fix
Using you too.

Twisted game for 2.
You use me,
And I pretend to use you.

Truth be told...
I'm lonely,
I am the fool.

A girl looking for love
Settling for something rotten
A bitter taste masked by kindness.

Not so hidden agenda
I know what you want
I'll just pretend it will hurt less.

More music!

As you all should know, I am a huge fan of sowelu! I love her music and I am happy that she has come out with new music.  I am checking out some of her vids right now. I'll post more of my personal favorites from her.

I am loving her haircut as well. Makes me want to color my hair and put a few tracks in my hair LOL! "Woman" is a nice song as well. I am a fan of ballads.

Copy & Paste

Every time i sleep on Boa, she gives me something new to like. I was looking for more recent vids and this is what I found. I like the song and the dance moves!

Choice words for a Lover

To me...
Your waters are always tested
"There's nothing to worry about..."
I'd believe you more --

If you stood by your words
Like a butress
Supporting each letter.

But what you say
Isn't always what your actions give
So what should I believe?

A long way from a gentleman
Please conduct yourself like a man
I'm waiting--

To see when your words,
And actions,
Match what I hear and see.

You have a good heart,
but it's in the wrong place;
If you don't know better.

Random Ramblings

No poetry today guys...I think i should do a bit more than poetry on here anyways. I am much more than a poet after all. I already have a blog where I am very candid, but i guess i could share a few things every now and then. Or even write about a few topics that come to mind.

Today I am gonna talk about myself and how I really should have been paying a bit more attention to myself. My life wasn't an easy one. I'm sure someone had it worst off than me but mine had its moments. I had to grow up fast and in some cases no matter how i felt I had to keep pushing forward b/c i had to do what was best for me. I was very mature for my age. And even now as I am 25 yrs old. I feel like I am still more mature than  my peers. However I still have a lot to learn.

Since most of the drama in my life is gone, I now have time to pay attention to myself. And oooooooh boy has it been interesting. I have been paying attention to how i interact with others and  even in my own relationship. Sometimes i dislike how observant I can be at times. I am a strong person and lately I have just been feeling like i am not like how I use to be.

I've come this far and now I am in a slump. What am I suppose to be learning about myself this time around?

Lady of the Night

In this darkness...
I am home
Embracing solitude.

The moon welcomes me
Warmed by it's glow
I am free to wander.

The world is sleeping
I watch it,
And admire.

In this quiet I can reflect
Walking with the wind
Existing without judgment.

At this time
The world takes me as I am
I exist in peace.

Nothing, Nothing, Nothing.

I may seem cut and dry,
But I am that shade of gray,
The compromise between black and white.

Nothing's ever simple
In a world ruled by the broom,
Constantly swept under the rug.

What would you do
If you knew?
What could you do?

Nothing is the easy way out,
It's the bliss that feeds ignorance
Nothing treats me like I don't matter.

My hue is ignored,
Can't wash me down with water'
You'll need a stronger drink.

Not so empty words,
Heavier than you care to admit,
I'd like to see you try...

But i know you'll do nothing.

Old Flames

Dying ember know your place,
That spark is no longer,
Lost your will to flame.

Time's curse,
Your hesitance,
He was there when you didn't want him.

Old flames die,
It's for a reason,
To be something new and not the same.

Old flames die,
You had your season,
It went and so should your feelings.

To you, he's safe...
That's why you linger,
Unable to accept our love.

What happened to being a friend?
The past is set,
You cannot mend.

Walk with maturity,
Be your ashes,
Don't look back.

Exist without regret.

I'd like to see...

I'm waiting on the day
When all this will make sense
Why did i have to hurt for so long?

All this pain
All my hard work
Trees of labor...

Where is the season
When they bare fruit
Patiently waiting.

I want to reflect
And smile
Saying "Glad those days are over."

Life

I treat everyday like i have to
No time to sit and mope,
or it will leave me.

I go on...
Without a mother or an apology
This is how it will be.

And in time I will adjust
A long time coming,
But always known.

No time to act surprised
I wear my black fleece
Tackling the days.

In time I will be happy
No more heavy heart
or bottled up tears.

Her hate won't phase me
And I'll no longer want her sincerity
No need for closure.

I will smile without it
As i should
Or it will go on without me.

Smirk

I never speak highly of myself,
but maybe i should...
Just for change.

I forget myself from time to time
Neglecting who really matters
Busy swallowing the pain.

I am wandering
I am wandering
Trying to learn more about me.

I look in the mirror,
And stare past my reflection
I don't like seeing him cry.

Yet i never dry his tears
I let them fall
Collecting them for reasons to bitter.

I never write about me
It's never for me,
And that's why I feel empty.

I am a product of abandonment
My parents forgot i was their's
An orphan on the outside looking in.

Mama can't you see?
Daddy don't you know?
You helped make me this way.

At night I wonder...
Why do I go un-loved?
A question that goes unaswered.

It sits at home
Alone; Waiting,
But you never come.

I look in the mirror,
And glance at my reflection
I don't like seeing him cry.

I'm sorry
Please forgive
It was always easy to never face you.

But you kept a constant stare
Always looking through me
At my truth.

We deserve to smile...

yikes!

Ok So this video is super duper whack and the lyrics are whack. And the song doesn't fit her voice. AND WHY ARE 8TH GRADERS DRIVING AND HAVING PARTIES!?!?!?!? WHERE THE F*CK ARE THE PARENTS??????????

All that aside. They comments this girl has been getting are crazy! ppl have told her to slit her wrist! ummmmm....did ppl forget how old she is? Yikes! This is why ppl are struggling with self esteem issues now! It's ok to joke about how terrible the vid is but attacking her as a person and telling her to harm herself. Wow! real classy! Shame on those who said those things to her. If you don't like her song just don't support her music. Stop watching the vid or even commenting. DUH!!!!

Love Poems

I do not know how
To write them
Digging deep endlessly.

The pain
Is ever present
All that I know.

Like breathing in
I'm use to it
My tearful muse.

I'd love to write
About Love,
But those feelings are bottle up.

Kept in storage
I don't want to share
Not even with myself...

I'd love to hold
Those precious gems
In my hands.

Loving memories to reflect on
And prove to myself
That for me...It can exist.

Dirty hands
Searching within
Trying. Determined. Nostalgic.

Stoic

Cold as ice,
I don't mean to be
I'm not use to being touched.

Affection is new
Requires time and patience
Bare with me.

Feelings locked inside
Wondering
How to be expressed?

I'll get the hang of this
Be the best boyfriend ever
Would you believe me...

If...

I said I was learning
Don't sleep on me boo
You might miss me blossom.

I'll melt in time
I'm just getting use to you
Bare with me.

I will show you.

Wonderland Blues

I play Alice
In this wonderland of
What the f*ck!?!?!

I followed a rabbit once
I was lost and left hanging
So I lead myself.

my effort seems in vain
waiting on others to catch up
Time is ticking.

Tired of seeing the twins coulda and woulda
I need something certain
Where if your motivation?

Nothing's met
Goals are left stranded
I keep faith in someday.

I can't see it,
But I know
it's out there.

eager for a taste
of better days
So flavorful.

Do me more
Do me more
Do me more

No more promises
Embrace your potential
It needs a hug.

I'm tired of Red Queens
Ruling with no consistency
Subject to change.

The Cheshire cat
Sh*ts in her throne room
Like she sh*ts on me.

She doesn't like it
Join the club
I don't eiither.

Aimlessly walking
Will I see you?
On this path to the inevitable...

We're not kids anymore
We must wear our crowns as adults
The White Queen and her King.

I'm tired of this halfway point
I gave you 100
Where is my change?

Here

I am human
This Fragile heart needs walls
Running from my pain,
But it's trapped inside.

It grabs hold of me
Like an abusive lover does a spouse
My other arm waves for freedom
It doesn't see me.

It's safe to say I made this Hell
Trying to run from you
Seeking understanding in my sleep
It doesn't hear me.

Thrown against these walls
"Face your fear!"
Please, I'd rather not imagine your eyes
This pain has a face.

You look just like him
Hurt like him too
My tongue is bleeding
Because i keep biting down.

I'd feel better if I say it,
But my morals want me to be a good person
I want to keep my Halo,
But I am tired of hurting myself.

So with a bloody smirk
I look at you
My soggy eyes justify the means
I say it proudly...

I hate you.

So vile and yet so freeing
I won't let this rule my life
"He'll suffer if I do"
I won't lose him over thoughts of you.

I know i'll never have an apology
So i'll stop wanting
My satisfaction is for me to give
My walls come down

You don't look so strong
Soon you'll be weak just like him
Eventually forgotten
Loved him once, but no more.

And that's ok...

Beyond this point lies my happiness
It's time I start walking towards it
Your grip is slipping
It's time to let go.

Baggage cease to exist
I want to walk without you
It's ok to feel this way
Hurt people do.

I choose not to dwell another day
Let this be where I leave it
My pain has a home,
And it's no longer with me.

2NE1 - It Hurts (아파) MV [HD]

Worthless

I am so tired of being taken for granted
I wish things were better
I'm talked to like a dog.

Momma you can be so mean.

Ba ba black sheep
Have you any manners?
I bite my tongue for the sake of sanity.

I'd ask you for $1 in quarters
But you'd hold it against me
I was just asking for change.

Will time make it better?
Or
Will you continue to abuse me?

Count on me
To be there for you,
But it's hard to get reciprocation from you.

Family isn't what it use to be
Hanging on to loving memories
Praying they don't fade away.

I just want things to get better...

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My progress on slimming down!

Ok y'all! since i have been improving on my eating habits and adding more fruits and veggies to my diet as well/ I have been slimming down which is good b/c it will show my doctor that i am trying to get better. The goal weight is 170. I'm not there yet, but i am on my way! I guess my weightloss is notceable too b/c my b/f has been noticing and telling me. And I have asked a few ppl. I go for the weigh in on the 4th of march. Wish me luck you guys b/c I don't want to be at risk for diabetes.
What's crazy about all of this is that I am the smallest in my family and I am the only one that really needs to lose weight. Everyone who has seen me in person wonders where am i gonna lose all this weight at. They tell me I am gonna be a toothpick. I'm just hoping I don't lose my booty! NOT THE JUNK IN THE TRUNK!!!!!! LOL.
Since i can see the progress i am motivated to keep it off and lose more. Hopefully I will hear good news in the future.

Quick Poem of Jumbled feelings

I'm suppose to grin and bare it
As I watch a mother
Afraid of her daughter
Afraid to take a stand
Wear her crown
Be a parent.
Favoritism is for fools
She wears the egg on her face
Smiling
She'll cry later on
When no one is around
Or to her familiar tissues.
I'm suppose to smile
Even though I feel used
The black sheep
misunderstood but reliable
My name
It get's called more times than minutes
are clocked
Damn...what has my family become
This doesn't feel like home
Where is it
misplaced or evolved?
I envy those
That have good relationships with their mothers
Why wasn't I lucky
Will my child be distant from me too?
i'll do better to be closer... to them
Why should i smile
And accept that, that's just they way people are
When change is constant
And every action has a reaction
you slap me
i slap you
and i'll learn to never trust you again.
How is this fair?
When did it become ok to tolerate
abuse from loved ones
I'll never pass on this pain.

Puppet

Familiar stranger
Behind a mask
Coward in disguise.

This is not a test
This is over
A man that is not mine.

Whether this is to make me lonely
Or run back into his arms
I'll never give him the outcome

He desires...
His attention
i hope he get's all that he deserves,

And moves on
The malice has a purpose
It's just stupid.

Over a boy
That isn't mine
I deal with grief.

Only thing you prove
Is that you can
Easily be used.

Untitled

I live my life
the way I wan to
What do you do with your's?

Idle hands
Idle Mischief
I'm missing the point of your malice.

Life goes on,
But you appear to be stuck
Burnt bridges leave you stranded.

This is the life :-\
Pardon my sarcasm
on your situation.

It's just that.....

Your life must be perfect
Since you've found time
To meddle in mine.

I dropped a couple pounds

So I have been trying to delasy going to do my blood test to see if my cholesterol has lowered. And I was worried about my weight. I still eat my small portions of food, make sure i get some fruits and veggies in for the week. I did back slide a couple of times but I am getting back on track. Anywhoo, yesterday while I was at a friends house I saw they had a scale. Mind you I had just finished eating dinner. So in my head I was thinking "This chicken is gonna weigh me down!"- But I stepped on the scale and waited to see my balance.

I currently weigh 206lbs. Some weight loss is better than none. I was suppose to lose 35lbs but this is progress and hopefully my doctor will see that. I was 215 last time he saw me. OOOOH! I'm nervous again. I'm just gonna take my test this week and get it over with. Wish me luck!

i love maki goto

I can honestly say i enjoy every song she has created.

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Wandering Observer

One of these things is not like the other
One of them is not the same
It is different and stigmatized.

He said she said,
That I am a sin
A name I wasn't given.

Tell her,
That I said
I am human.

Seen as anything
Except what's true
Labels blur your vision.

Easy to condemn
Harder to accept
Did you forget I was "His" Child too?

Exiled by a society
I was born in
Again...I life I did not choose.