Friday

I have really grown to like blogging on here. Maybe it's because of how I jazzed up my blogger. Anyways! Did y'all see that Video for Willow Smith's whip my hair? Don't bother running to Youtube for it I'll post it here for y'all!



Me and my boo are adjusting to our new talking schedule. There is nothing we can do except deal with the rules we are given until his situation gets better and he has the resources he needs to make change. I pray that he gets a job soon. I think work study might be his best bet though. It's a gauranteed job and u get the work experience. You also have the chance to network too. But enough about his tea. This is my brew LOL

Xmas is almost here folks! Is everyone doing their shopping early? I am trying to. I need to. I hate last minute shopping. I'd rather get everyone out of the way so i can enjoy the holiday and the music. But not the snow....never the snow!

Well I gotta go. Gotta research phone plans.

She's not feelin' me...but she doesn't know me.

So it's safe to say my b/f's mom has a problem with our relationship. She's already voiced her opinions before. And she has yet to try to get to know me. I guess it's easier to be nasty to a person if you don't know them as a person. she just leaves me as a random person...a stranger if you will.

I really think there is an issue that is not being addressed b/c it's going on a year and u still have not met me. Are you not curious to see who ur son is dating and going to see? And now we have phone restrictions! Are you serious? Did you forget that ur son is grown!?!?!?!?!?! All these stunts and shows are not doing anything except wedging a gap between u and ur child. I get it...ur scared to let him go, but why would he stay if ur acting like that. He would resent you in the end, and will you pat urself on the back then?

This is our relationship and what happens in it will be on our terms. I fear that her attempts might get the best of us and I might lose him. I'd hate for that to happen b/c it shouldn't. It's not for her to decide or determine. Plus the ship to annouce that u have a problem has sailed. It is out to sea! LOL. If there is a problem then I think it is time that we all sit and talk about this. Or just you and ur son, and then you pull me to the side to talk at a later time. But all this tomfoolery and excuses are masking a bigger problem that obviously doesn't need to be avoided.

I am not a bad person and she could see that if she gave me a chance...

No more flicks of that nature/ Tearful dreamer

Ok so i asked my boo for permission to talk about this next subject and he gave me the greenlight so we are a go!!!!!!! Well i have 2 topics actually lol!

First things first. My boo is having a hard time looking at my provocative photos since the stalker drama, and what I did. Even though I have been forgiven and we have gotten past that, but still he can't bring himself to look at mine. To help I told him to delete the one's he had since there is a negative stigma attached to them. Idk what to do to help him get past the whole situation.

It is going on a month. This is begining to be a serious problem. I'd like to help but I think I've done all that I can do. It's up to him now. I just need to give him space and time. Whether it be another month, a year from now, or never again. I caused this so I have to accept this. However there are times where I wonder if he is facing this issue or avoiding it?

I miss sending them but if he is not comfortable then I am not gonna subject him to that. I think i will just store them away somewhere and get a new memory card so I don't have to look at them either. I definately learned my lesson. I just need to suck it up and be mature about this. So a new memory card will symbolize a fresh start. No more naughty photos either. Gosh... my photo life is gonna be boring! (had to throw a little humor up in here lol) I'm sure i will jazz it up somehow.

Don't y'all judge me readers!

In other news i had this weird dream that made me cry in my sleep. I graduated and got my diploma and i was observing another family. There was a mother, a grandma, and a son. They were chatting me up. I admired the relationship the Grandma had with her  grandson b/c it reminded me of how close me and my grandma were. Anyways the ceremony was over and we all walked outside. i was saying goodbye to them and i opened the door for the boy to get in. The mother looked at me and asked was i happy to have graduated. I smiled. I was super happy the whole time but then in the middle of me answering her I looked at the grandma and just started crying and i fell to the ground. I was leaning on the side of her car and I just kept crying while I was holding the diploma. The mother tried to help me up but I was still there crying.

I guess I missed my grandma and the dream triggered something b/c it seemed like a happy time until then. I woke up to me actually crying in my sleep. this isn't the first time that, that has happened to me either. I've cried about my grandma before. I guess I have not fully grieved over her death. It's very sad, and I felt like I knew who i was when she was alive. And now she is gone and I have been left alone. That's probably why I was at that ceremony alone. And what's sad is in my dream I never once wondered where was anybody for me. There were no familiar faces. I am gonna have to look this dream up on dream dictionary. I know I would have had ppl around to see me graduate in real life. i wonder why I dreamed it that way?

There should really be an age limit to sibiling rivalry...

It'a always tit for tat between me and my sister. Quite honestly I am getting tired of it so I ignore her often. I don't see the point in arguing with someone who swears they are right. Or that they are more better off than you are. Or becuase they feel they can intimidate you. Don't get it twisted I do speak up for myself, and I have no problem putting ppl in their place. But it gets old after you experience it over and over again. And you know the whole routine. You'll get mad and ignore them for 2 weeks and they will kiss your a$$ for two weeks trying to be your friend.

She really can't say anything to me. 1)I don't start the drama 2) She is not on my level to even go toe to toe with me. And that's just me clocking the tea on that! She does nothing to really better herself or her life for her and her son. You have all the reason in the world to be a better person and you don't do sh*t!?!?!?! Riiiiiiiight???? You so have every right to come at me anyway you please b/c you have all this free time to do so.

We are getting older and I am wondering when will she grow up and get over herself. I owe her nothing, and she needs to see that how she treats ppl is not good. And will effect the relationships she has with them. Also we are getting too damn old for sibiling rivalry. Let's wrap this up!

Speak

I don't know what else to do
I'd ask you...
If only you give me a clue.

Your walls are up
You act like the are invisible
I see them before me.

Is it easier to avoid,
Than to come to a conclusion
Is this how you fight confrontation?

How can we solve this puzzle
When you are hiding a piece?
The big picture is incomplete.

I can't hear what you won't say,
But I can read between your lines
It would be simpler if you'd talk to me.

Say it,
without feeling limited
Speak,
And know you will be heard.

random

OMG i am so sick! I do not feel good at all. i have a cold and I am not loving it. i keep trying to get some rest, but it's hard when ppl keep bothering you over and over. Hopefully today I can get some rest today. I guess I can share some songs with you guys today.

Crystal Kay came out with a new song. It's cute



In other news! absolutely nothing. LOL. Today has been pretty tame. i just want to go home and get in the bed.

Life gives you lemons

When you try to move on with your life, life likes to remind you of where you've come from... It will bring ppl from your past back into your life. Old Flames even. Here I am picking up the pieces and moving on  and it seems like that is my biggest battle. I'm fighting for all that I have...all that I have earned. Is this a test?

McDummy is back yet again. Well not officially. He's a T.A at my nephew's kidnergarten. I hope he remains professional and my nephew doesn't have to go through anything b/c of our past. Things should be ok...I pray.

I think about who I would have been had I stuck around and dealt with what McDummy had been giving me. I think I would have lost myself in the mix. No self esteem in sight. Just settling for less. Knowing damn well better was out there for me.

My love would have kept me blinded for so long.... I found a song that conveys how I felt back then. Pay attention to the video. Look at the transition. Where was this song when I was going through it IDK?



I'm glad I had the strength to carry my heavy heart and keep walking. Instead of just staying their hurting. I don't regret moving on at all. I knew something good was out there for me. I just had to meet it halfway. So what if I was damaged goods...I would be priceless in someone's eyes. I hurt, but I kept on moving.

Sometimes I wish that McDummy would have let me heal completely. My heart no longer has cracks, but it has scars. He kept digging praying for me to shatter. That's why this song speaks to me. The whole transitions. From normal to feeling pain that hurt like hell. To eventually moving on and being in a good place. Wherever that may be.

I overcame it.

I remember talking to my love about my past relationships. I put up with a lot of sh*t from guys. I was there to build them up and they tore me down. But over the years I just couldn't seem to get it right until now. I was like MJB before she found love y'all!

I found it now. I'm so thankful that I have. This is what I should have been experiencing all along. This right here. So what if we have negative folk who don't believe in us. I will continue to meet him halfway everytime. I hope I transitioned correctly and you guys are not thinking that I am talking about McDummy b/c i am not! I'm talking about My Man.

McDummy was the catalyst that put me on the right path. I still have my moments when I hurt but then I remember what I have and what will be.

It's okay to be in love....It's your time.

Betrayal

You know it sucks to know that someone you considered a friend would go behind your back and try to hurt you, and those you care about. What did i do to deserve this? I wish i knew. Quite honestly and dare I say it. I was the realest friend they had. The company they kept would talk about them just as bad as they did to them. No one every offered constructive criticism, they just dissed him. I would be the one that would say something constructive or call them out on it. If you have room to talk, you have room to help, right?

If your friend dresses to grungy take them shopping with you. Or give them clothes that you can't fit or wear anymore. Hair look a mess??? Sit with them and look at hair magazines and see if they get inspired by a haircut. Take them to the salon with you a few times. Monkey see, Monkey do, right?

I'll tell you guys a little story. When i first started growing my hair out it looked a mess. Hunniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii It was a pure mess, but I swore I was cute! LOL. Anywhoo one of my girls came up to me at work and told me that I look a mess and I need to do something with my hair.  Of course I was taken back and stood my ground and was like "I like my hair"- But she countered with a "You can keep your hair. Just do something to it. I'm gonna set up an appt with the salon for you, and you go."

I knew she wasn't saying that to be mean. She said it to be a friend...so I went. I got a cute little cut and BAM!!!!! I am the diva you see before you! LOL ROFL. And  I can't go a month without going to the salon and I learned how to take care of my hair as well. But that made a difference in me and gave me confidence. Now when I walk down the street I get compliments about my hair.

But the friends this person kept didn't do that. I was working on it.  Friends build you up. not tear you down. Or talk about you behind your back. Or plot on you. I am disgusted by the person that I thought was a friend. Now I see that you were never a friend of mine. You did all of this garbage from behind the scenes b/c that's what low lifes do.

Thank you for showing me who you are. Now I will stay away from you.

Questions

What drives someone to do nasty things to another person?

What inspires someone to go out of their way to destroy another person's happiness?

 Do you feel good when you're doing it? Do you feel great when it's done?

 When do u start to have ill feelings for someone? And why do you not end that relationship if the feelings are so intense that you want to cause harm?

 Are you sadistic? Is this how you get your kicks?

And after all the damage is done....why do you still have intentions of sticking around?

I ask these question b/c I want to know why? Why would someone go out of their way to be evil like this instead of talking to me  if they had a problem? It's not fair to not say anything to me. And it's not mature to let your negative feelings manifest this way?

Why are you a coward? Are we not adults? When did I ever make it so you couldn't come to me if you were feeling salty. And when did we get on bad terms? It's all smiles any other time. It's a shame that it had to come to this, but I guess this is a part of growing up. Not everyone is your friend...a lesson I was already aware of.

You tried it!

I wish I could say
"I understand."
But I don't.

I could pretend
I don't want to hear your reasons,
But I do.

You smiled in my face
With a knife behind your back
This is what jealousy feels like.

This is what projection feels like
Disguised as a friend
You pulled your tricks.

I hurt,
He hurt,
In time you will too.

Time told all that you tried to hide
So long friend,
I thought I knew.

I'm not bitter
I'm better
Isn't that why this started?

You owe me nothing,
But i'll never get it
So pay it forward with Karma.

"To each his own"
But my life was never your's to warp
It's mine to repair.

You went up against destiny,
And failed
Attempting to make yourself feel better.

Did it help?