New years poem

Bad memories won't haunt me
The bitter taste no longer lingers
The change that comes with time.

Past lovers hold no meaning
Goodbye to those feelings
My heart is new.

Rivals bicker alone
Conflicts are laid to rest
We have come to terms.

Another year wiser
I'm still learning
Eager for my lesson.

I can feel it...
Something good is waiting for me
Here i come.

I unpack my bag,
And leave the old in the past
I can't take it with me.

Change greets me
I say hello
Shall we do this all again?

I promise the experience won't be the same
The journey will be worth taking
I'll be another year wiser.

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HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Uh oh! Got me a bottle! ROFL

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The Player

I heard him call me by my name
He said we met once before,
But the glamour in his eyes were lies
The glamour in his eyes were lies.

He reached for my touch
I pulled away...
My road is less travled
I don't desire your footsteps.

A voice so sweet
With a sour after-taste
Hidden agendas have no home
A nomad til the end, you are.

Lies paved on a gold plated road
I see the scratches on your surface
Are you sure we've met before?
Maybe I know you by another name?

Our meeting was chanced,
But I won't humor your intentions
You're looking for a fool
It's not me.

That Man

You speak so highly of him
I am eager to see him
The man you see in the mirror.

He does all he sets out to do
A true gentleman
Running for that door.

Open it,
And take me to him
You said such promising things.

Mature...goal oreiented
responsible, and patient.
The Virtues of a good man.

The potential you keep to urself
Embrace him,
And become him.

You speak so highly of him
I am eager to see him
The man you see in the mirror.

Late night blogging

5am and i am awake. I was having some weird dreams about ghost. Maybe becuz i kept waking up in btwn animes on cartoon network.

Yesterday i had fun xmas shopping. I am pumped to do secret santa on monday! 5 days of gifts! Omg its gonna be so much fun. I wonder who my secret santa is?

Anywhoo underworld evolution is on and i think i have honestly only seen this movie once. So i guess this will help me pass the time until i sleep.

I was invited to 2 holiday functions but i won't be going. I haven't been talking to my sister since the incident, and i choose not to be around her. Even if the drama is over. I was hurt by what she said so there is nothing more to say btwn me and her.

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i find myself sitting here thinking about my father. I don't know why and I don't care to find out.  It's gonna be a year since i last talked to him. I stopped calling after I saw how that half of my family really didn't care for me. So I left it alone after that. He would call me but then he stopped once I started to tell him about himself and his family.

He's not worth my time and yet I sit here and ponder. Maybe he's ill or something. Maybe I should call him and say hello. oh well.....

Homophobia and Family

So recently due to my sisters fear and homophobia, i am not allowed to be around my nephew. She said he repeated something i said. That i am influencing him to be gay. But he's a child and he is gonna copy everyone. He doesn't understand the sttigma of his actions.

It's sad becuz the situation could have went down differently and more mature, but now we don't talk and i don't feel like she loves me becuz she doesn't accept who i am. We both said some equally hurtful things, and idk about her...but i learned a lot more about her. You can't be pro-gay and homophobic at the same time. U gotta pick a side. Now i kno where she stands.

We could have talked about this because homosexuality is not a learned experience. And she should wait for him to tell her who he is instead of ultimately making him insecure becuz she is afraid of what he could become,but she is not certain of.

What's f*cked about this too is that she feels i should still babysit and do things for her! How does that work?

I decided that i would respect her wishes and i would stay away from her and him. And my boo has to keep his distance as well. And i wipe my hands of her. I am over the drama. I have lost all respect and love for her behind this crap. I guess this is what it will be...

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Homophobia and Family

So recently due to my sisters fear and homophobia, i am not allowed to be around my nephew. She said he repeated something i said. That i am influencing him to be gay. But he's a child and he is gonna copy everyone. He doesn't understand the sttigma of his actions.

It's sad becuz the situation could have went down differently and more mature, but now we don't talk and i don't feel like she loves me becuz she doesn't accept who i am. We both said some equally hurtful things, and idk about her...but i learned a lot more about her. You can't be pro-gay and homophobic at the same time. U gotta pick a side. Now i kno where she stands.

We could have talked about this because homosexuality is not a learned experience. And she should wait for him to tell her who he is instead of ultimately making him insecure becuz she is afraid of what he could become,but she is not certain of.

What's f*cked about this too is that she feels i should still babysit and do things for her! How does that work?

I decided that i would respect her wishes and i would stay away from her and him. And my boo has to keep his distance as well. And i wipe my hands of her. I am over the drama. I have lost all respect and love for her behind this crap. I guess this is what it will be...

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Sister

The world owes you nothing
Your choices were your own
Neglectful thinker.

No foundation for yourself
What you have you did not earn
Living a life of waste.

Lazy and mundane
Girl, better yourself
What will your son think?

When all you have to offer is your ass to kiss
And no one wants to pucker
Will Life's boot suffice?

When all u have to show,
And all you have to offer
Are the same...

Nothing becomes your name
A user to the core
Manipulation will be your folly.

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Friendship Ettiquette / get ur own damn man!

Do ppl know how to be friends these days? i am tired of folk claiming to be my friend and then doing things to betray my trust. Wth!?!?!

I had a friend check out my b/f which i didn't think was cute. 1) b/c it wasn't a generic compliment like "oh he's handsome." Or "he seems nice." There was something extra to the compliment. 2) they are know for being a snake in the grass. I was and am not feeling it. So if this isssue presents itself again it will be addressed.

But damn! Can i have a man to myself? If u guys are familiar with my blogs u are aware of how when i like a guy or they like me someone who is hella thirsty tries to come and put their straw in my cup!

I see why i keep to myself. And this seems to be a trend. This is a friendship taboo and social no-no. I don't check out other ppl's men. That's just not cool to me. And i'd like to surround myself with friends who know how to be friends. Have some respect for others and urself.

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this panda means business!

Omg i can't stop laughing!

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This is just a test of my new blogger app

So i just found an app for blogger. I am excited becuz this means i can blog more. Especially when i am bored. Currently i am on my way to the hospital to visit a friend of mine who is not feeling so well.

I relaxed my hair too and it is looking good. I gave myself a cholesterol treatment as well so i am loving how tame my hair is right now. I can't wait until i cut all this color out of my hair for the winter. This is the longest i have had my hair colored. Before i think it was 3 months.

Welp i am getting close to the hospital so i will update more later. Ttyl!

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The Cage you put me in

These walls you put around me
Cold and observant
Home to shadows
Obstructed view.

I desreve to smile
Yet you'd like to see me frown
Tears of worry
Fill this room.

But it's ok
Your world crumbles down
Those you knew,
Don't like what you've become.

It's easy to destroy another's world,
But can you repair your own?
The reality of your situation
Get inspired by my smile.

Instead of plotting
Work on you
Your life is worth the attention
Bitterness Misguided.

Even though you have tried
You cannot sdet it in stone
When all is said and done
What will you have accomplished?

Possibly getting stalked again

Ok so last night I got random unknown calls back to back from 1:48am-2:53am. How do i know that u might ask? Well the answer is simple. It woke me up a few time. I answered once and obviously someone was on the other line. All I heard was music and then they hung up. So I turned my phone on silent and went back to sleep. I figured my voicemail could keep them company.

When i checked my call log I saw it had 9 calls back to back from whomever felt bored enough to call me unknown. This is stupid. Why do ppl like to play on my phone? What the hell did I do to ppl that I have been going through what I have been going through?

I could see if i was a whore and i was breaking up happy homes. Having sex with your man and recording it on my camera phone so i can send it to u later. BUT NO!!!!!!!! I have been minding my business being an individual, in a committed relationship, and trying to better myself over all. I don't have time for the drama and when stuff like this happens it makes me wonder who I can trust? Especially when it comes to
"The Girls"- I just can't seem to maintain a friendship with them at all. My trust is always betrayed and it's always the same way. Everybody wants to eat off my plate, but when i'm hungry i don't search for scraps. I get my own.

I am so over this stalker business. It's going on a year! A f*ckin year! They had nothing else better to do with themselves. No job to look for, school to attend, love to find. Just time to put a frown on my face, and i won't give them the satisfaction. I''m not going to. Live your life and stop trying to destroy mine.

Saying "Bae" Is not cute!

Omg Omg OMG! I can't stand this new slang term. Who the hell came up with that word? "Bae"- It sounds you were too damn lazy to pronounce syllables! Was saying "Baby" too much of s stretch? I just gotta know?

I remember i heard my sister call her boyfriend that and I was like "what the hell is wrong with you? that ain't cute! learn some damn english!"- Seriously you sound ignorant! And I wouldn't have minded the word had it not spread like wild fire and everybody is now saying it. And then u just can't say it plain you got do a soft accent with it. I bet some of you guys who say that word and saying it right now just to hear what I am talking about! Shame on y'all!!!!!

Ugh! I can't stand that word at all! Jesus take the wheel and drive that word off a cliff! Hands down the creation of that word was a waste of time. I wrote about this yesterday on Facebook and 34 comments later i still can't stand the word. I even got the origins of the word. (I know what ur thinking...Yes, it originated from somewhere). Supposedly "bae" was a carribean term. W/e IDC! Return to sender b/c it sucks!

Things are coming along nicely. Me and my boo are adjusting to our new change. It's interesting b/c  now we have the chance to learn more about each other through observations. We're beyond the phone now. LOL! Since I don't blog as often on here I like to do as many as I can while I am on here. I'm still debating on going to school. I need to figure that out quickly so I can get this ball rolling.

I hope it isn't snowing when i go outside. I'm gonna be so pissed if it is. This is why I hate the winter time! F*ckin snow! Almost done with the Xmas shopping and i can't wait to be done with that. Hmmmmm I wish I had more to write but i guess this is all for now until i have another interesting topic to share. ttyl

Progress

"And then it comes to me...like an epiphany."

Sometimes the best lessons take the longest to learn. For the longest time I was waiting and moving in the direction of getting over the pain I went through with "Damn Fool". I have been living my life and I am in a good place. But yesterday I noticed I still had his number in my phone. I don't call it but if by chance that dummy ever gets my number and calls I can see it and ignore it. However I don't see the point in keeping his number in my phone. It serves no purpose. So I deleted it yesterday. I also deleted photos that I stored away of him. -No! I never looked at them. I put them there when I started my attempt to get over him. I put them somewhere I don't check often. Like once every 3 or months if i remember.

I imagined them as little ties to him that I was cutting. I did it and I'm not looking back. This is where I wanted to be in regards to the situation with "Damn Fool". I had hoped we could have been friends, but that didn't work out. But more importantly I wanted to be done. i didn't want to harbour those painful feelings anymore. I wanted to be done with the situation. I wanted to be another day wiser, richer, and stronger from the experience. I wanted to be happy again. And now...That's where I am.

Despite losing some friends along the way, and being stalked. I am better off now then I was back then when I was hurting. I did this on my own. I didn't use a man to rebound, and I didn't become a whore (not for a lack of trying though... lol). I tackled my feelings head on and now they can rest. It's over.

I won't look back. And I have no hopes of being with "Damn Fool" or talking to him ever again beyond a civil conversation if we ever bumped into each other by chance. The past is in the past, and I am in the present working on my future.  I finally have my closure. And as always I had to give it to myself.

The Latest

it sucks that I gotta be cryptic at times since the whole stalker drama but i will share with you guys as much as I can. good things are about to happen for me mainly b/c I am about to make them happen. I feel that this will be a step in a positive direction so wish me luck b/c i am excited and nervous. But I am sure I will do and be fine. I'm just trying to make sure i can get in where i fit in.

In other news. There was this guy who i chose not to have a friendship with b/c i gave him chance time and time again, and he let me down. I shall call him "Damn Fool". When i was going through all that heartache and blogging while saucy it was because of him. So because he couldn't be honest I decided that our friendship couldn't be salvaged. After he did keep doing the same sh*t over and over, but always found time to make me look like the bad guy.

Anywhoo I guess yesterday he saw my sister and said "How's my friend doing?" <--- WE AIN'T FRIENDS!!!!!!! I have went on with my life and asked you to do the same. Please do not find time now in your busy schedule to reflect on the one that got away b/c I am not checking for you at all! In fact when i think back to all the things I put up with behind his a**, I wonder why the hell i did!?!?!?! I knew better and I should have ran for the hills. And truthfully speaking I'm glad he passed me by. I deserved better and now I have it.

I told her next time he ask her that question she needs to look at him and say "Y'all ain't friends." and walk away. Plain and simple. Why would you even have the nerve to consider us friends? I was treated like anything but that. I hope "Damn Fool" doesn't make it a habit to ask about me b/c eventually my sister is gonna get rude about it.

I'm living, you should do the same....

Well I am off you guys! ttyl

Who am I to you?

Who am I to you?
Someone you can be proud of,
Am I ever good enough?

If my pants were baggy,
And I had no respect
Would you love me if I were a hustler?

Being me
Just isn't good enough
For you.

Not what you expected
Life is full of surprises
That you choose not to accept.

If I were more masculine,
And chased after the girls
Gave you grandbabies i'll never claim.

Objectify the girls
Then leave them
Embrace my "masculine" side.

Getting to the point
If I were straight
Would I have your approval?

I can't fit your stereotypes
Even though you'd like me to
I was born Me.

Farewell Love

Fall's wind blows through the trees,
And shows Autumn's true color
In this season of change,
I reflect on the old.

Looking back on what I went through
The dance that had to end
When the music stopped
So did our drama.

My heart I chose to mend
With aged eyes
I see more clearly
So Thankful you passed me by.

The blessing you knocked
I fell into another's life
If I never see you again
Deep down...Just know that I am happy.

Around this time....
my heart was broken
Around this time,
I cried.

Autum's changes sprung me forward
Making way for the new
Old love had to decay

Dear Mom,

I don't know your reasons,
But you feel justified
Feelings have evolved
Momma, you don't love me like you use to.

Somewhere between regret and obligations
You found your bitterness,
And a reason to excuse your behavior
Momma, when did you get to be so mean?

I use to be your light,
But now everything is dim
Sabotaging my future
So it can seem just like your's.

It was you who pulled the trigger
Mom, I didn't ask to be here
I'm not to blame for your choices
So don't point your hostility at me.

You placed the smoking gun into my hands
Looking for someone to blame
Someone to vent your frustrations on
Therapy for your burdened soul.

How you treat me isn't right
I'm sure you know...
Our relationship is on the rocks,
But do you care?

When the flames have settled
From the bridge you have burnt
Will you be happy when you are alone
Or will you expect me to still be standing on the other side?

Friday

I have really grown to like blogging on here. Maybe it's because of how I jazzed up my blogger. Anyways! Did y'all see that Video for Willow Smith's whip my hair? Don't bother running to Youtube for it I'll post it here for y'all!



Me and my boo are adjusting to our new talking schedule. There is nothing we can do except deal with the rules we are given until his situation gets better and he has the resources he needs to make change. I pray that he gets a job soon. I think work study might be his best bet though. It's a gauranteed job and u get the work experience. You also have the chance to network too. But enough about his tea. This is my brew LOL

Xmas is almost here folks! Is everyone doing their shopping early? I am trying to. I need to. I hate last minute shopping. I'd rather get everyone out of the way so i can enjoy the holiday and the music. But not the snow....never the snow!

Well I gotta go. Gotta research phone plans.

She's not feelin' me...but she doesn't know me.

So it's safe to say my b/f's mom has a problem with our relationship. She's already voiced her opinions before. And she has yet to try to get to know me. I guess it's easier to be nasty to a person if you don't know them as a person. she just leaves me as a random person...a stranger if you will.

I really think there is an issue that is not being addressed b/c it's going on a year and u still have not met me. Are you not curious to see who ur son is dating and going to see? And now we have phone restrictions! Are you serious? Did you forget that ur son is grown!?!?!?!?!?! All these stunts and shows are not doing anything except wedging a gap between u and ur child. I get it...ur scared to let him go, but why would he stay if ur acting like that. He would resent you in the end, and will you pat urself on the back then?

This is our relationship and what happens in it will be on our terms. I fear that her attempts might get the best of us and I might lose him. I'd hate for that to happen b/c it shouldn't. It's not for her to decide or determine. Plus the ship to annouce that u have a problem has sailed. It is out to sea! LOL. If there is a problem then I think it is time that we all sit and talk about this. Or just you and ur son, and then you pull me to the side to talk at a later time. But all this tomfoolery and excuses are masking a bigger problem that obviously doesn't need to be avoided.

I am not a bad person and she could see that if she gave me a chance...

No more flicks of that nature/ Tearful dreamer

Ok so i asked my boo for permission to talk about this next subject and he gave me the greenlight so we are a go!!!!!!! Well i have 2 topics actually lol!

First things first. My boo is having a hard time looking at my provocative photos since the stalker drama, and what I did. Even though I have been forgiven and we have gotten past that, but still he can't bring himself to look at mine. To help I told him to delete the one's he had since there is a negative stigma attached to them. Idk what to do to help him get past the whole situation.

It is going on a month. This is begining to be a serious problem. I'd like to help but I think I've done all that I can do. It's up to him now. I just need to give him space and time. Whether it be another month, a year from now, or never again. I caused this so I have to accept this. However there are times where I wonder if he is facing this issue or avoiding it?

I miss sending them but if he is not comfortable then I am not gonna subject him to that. I think i will just store them away somewhere and get a new memory card so I don't have to look at them either. I definately learned my lesson. I just need to suck it up and be mature about this. So a new memory card will symbolize a fresh start. No more naughty photos either. Gosh... my photo life is gonna be boring! (had to throw a little humor up in here lol) I'm sure i will jazz it up somehow.

Don't y'all judge me readers!

In other news i had this weird dream that made me cry in my sleep. I graduated and got my diploma and i was observing another family. There was a mother, a grandma, and a son. They were chatting me up. I admired the relationship the Grandma had with her  grandson b/c it reminded me of how close me and my grandma were. Anyways the ceremony was over and we all walked outside. i was saying goodbye to them and i opened the door for the boy to get in. The mother looked at me and asked was i happy to have graduated. I smiled. I was super happy the whole time but then in the middle of me answering her I looked at the grandma and just started crying and i fell to the ground. I was leaning on the side of her car and I just kept crying while I was holding the diploma. The mother tried to help me up but I was still there crying.

I guess I missed my grandma and the dream triggered something b/c it seemed like a happy time until then. I woke up to me actually crying in my sleep. this isn't the first time that, that has happened to me either. I've cried about my grandma before. I guess I have not fully grieved over her death. It's very sad, and I felt like I knew who i was when she was alive. And now she is gone and I have been left alone. That's probably why I was at that ceremony alone. And what's sad is in my dream I never once wondered where was anybody for me. There were no familiar faces. I am gonna have to look this dream up on dream dictionary. I know I would have had ppl around to see me graduate in real life. i wonder why I dreamed it that way?

There should really be an age limit to sibiling rivalry...

It'a always tit for tat between me and my sister. Quite honestly I am getting tired of it so I ignore her often. I don't see the point in arguing with someone who swears they are right. Or that they are more better off than you are. Or becuase they feel they can intimidate you. Don't get it twisted I do speak up for myself, and I have no problem putting ppl in their place. But it gets old after you experience it over and over again. And you know the whole routine. You'll get mad and ignore them for 2 weeks and they will kiss your a$$ for two weeks trying to be your friend.

She really can't say anything to me. 1)I don't start the drama 2) She is not on my level to even go toe to toe with me. And that's just me clocking the tea on that! She does nothing to really better herself or her life for her and her son. You have all the reason in the world to be a better person and you don't do sh*t!?!?!?! Riiiiiiiight???? You so have every right to come at me anyway you please b/c you have all this free time to do so.

We are getting older and I am wondering when will she grow up and get over herself. I owe her nothing, and she needs to see that how she treats ppl is not good. And will effect the relationships she has with them. Also we are getting too damn old for sibiling rivalry. Let's wrap this up!

Speak

I don't know what else to do
I'd ask you...
If only you give me a clue.

Your walls are up
You act like the are invisible
I see them before me.

Is it easier to avoid,
Than to come to a conclusion
Is this how you fight confrontation?

How can we solve this puzzle
When you are hiding a piece?
The big picture is incomplete.

I can't hear what you won't say,
But I can read between your lines
It would be simpler if you'd talk to me.

Say it,
without feeling limited
Speak,
And know you will be heard.

random

OMG i am so sick! I do not feel good at all. i have a cold and I am not loving it. i keep trying to get some rest, but it's hard when ppl keep bothering you over and over. Hopefully today I can get some rest today. I guess I can share some songs with you guys today.

Crystal Kay came out with a new song. It's cute



In other news! absolutely nothing. LOL. Today has been pretty tame. i just want to go home and get in the bed.

Life gives you lemons

When you try to move on with your life, life likes to remind you of where you've come from... It will bring ppl from your past back into your life. Old Flames even. Here I am picking up the pieces and moving on  and it seems like that is my biggest battle. I'm fighting for all that I have...all that I have earned. Is this a test?

McDummy is back yet again. Well not officially. He's a T.A at my nephew's kidnergarten. I hope he remains professional and my nephew doesn't have to go through anything b/c of our past. Things should be ok...I pray.

I think about who I would have been had I stuck around and dealt with what McDummy had been giving me. I think I would have lost myself in the mix. No self esteem in sight. Just settling for less. Knowing damn well better was out there for me.

My love would have kept me blinded for so long.... I found a song that conveys how I felt back then. Pay attention to the video. Look at the transition. Where was this song when I was going through it IDK?



I'm glad I had the strength to carry my heavy heart and keep walking. Instead of just staying their hurting. I don't regret moving on at all. I knew something good was out there for me. I just had to meet it halfway. So what if I was damaged goods...I would be priceless in someone's eyes. I hurt, but I kept on moving.

Sometimes I wish that McDummy would have let me heal completely. My heart no longer has cracks, but it has scars. He kept digging praying for me to shatter. That's why this song speaks to me. The whole transitions. From normal to feeling pain that hurt like hell. To eventually moving on and being in a good place. Wherever that may be.

I overcame it.

I remember talking to my love about my past relationships. I put up with a lot of sh*t from guys. I was there to build them up and they tore me down. But over the years I just couldn't seem to get it right until now. I was like MJB before she found love y'all!

I found it now. I'm so thankful that I have. This is what I should have been experiencing all along. This right here. So what if we have negative folk who don't believe in us. I will continue to meet him halfway everytime. I hope I transitioned correctly and you guys are not thinking that I am talking about McDummy b/c i am not! I'm talking about My Man.

McDummy was the catalyst that put me on the right path. I still have my moments when I hurt but then I remember what I have and what will be.

It's okay to be in love....It's your time.

Betrayal

You know it sucks to know that someone you considered a friend would go behind your back and try to hurt you, and those you care about. What did i do to deserve this? I wish i knew. Quite honestly and dare I say it. I was the realest friend they had. The company they kept would talk about them just as bad as they did to them. No one every offered constructive criticism, they just dissed him. I would be the one that would say something constructive or call them out on it. If you have room to talk, you have room to help, right?

If your friend dresses to grungy take them shopping with you. Or give them clothes that you can't fit or wear anymore. Hair look a mess??? Sit with them and look at hair magazines and see if they get inspired by a haircut. Take them to the salon with you a few times. Monkey see, Monkey do, right?

I'll tell you guys a little story. When i first started growing my hair out it looked a mess. Hunniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii It was a pure mess, but I swore I was cute! LOL. Anywhoo one of my girls came up to me at work and told me that I look a mess and I need to do something with my hair.  Of course I was taken back and stood my ground and was like "I like my hair"- But she countered with a "You can keep your hair. Just do something to it. I'm gonna set up an appt with the salon for you, and you go."

I knew she wasn't saying that to be mean. She said it to be a friend...so I went. I got a cute little cut and BAM!!!!! I am the diva you see before you! LOL ROFL. And  I can't go a month without going to the salon and I learned how to take care of my hair as well. But that made a difference in me and gave me confidence. Now when I walk down the street I get compliments about my hair.

But the friends this person kept didn't do that. I was working on it.  Friends build you up. not tear you down. Or talk about you behind your back. Or plot on you. I am disgusted by the person that I thought was a friend. Now I see that you were never a friend of mine. You did all of this garbage from behind the scenes b/c that's what low lifes do.

Thank you for showing me who you are. Now I will stay away from you.

Questions

What drives someone to do nasty things to another person?

What inspires someone to go out of their way to destroy another person's happiness?

 Do you feel good when you're doing it? Do you feel great when it's done?

 When do u start to have ill feelings for someone? And why do you not end that relationship if the feelings are so intense that you want to cause harm?

 Are you sadistic? Is this how you get your kicks?

And after all the damage is done....why do you still have intentions of sticking around?

I ask these question b/c I want to know why? Why would someone go out of their way to be evil like this instead of talking to me  if they had a problem? It's not fair to not say anything to me. And it's not mature to let your negative feelings manifest this way?

Why are you a coward? Are we not adults? When did I ever make it so you couldn't come to me if you were feeling salty. And when did we get on bad terms? It's all smiles any other time. It's a shame that it had to come to this, but I guess this is a part of growing up. Not everyone is your friend...a lesson I was already aware of.

You tried it!

I wish I could say
"I understand."
But I don't.

I could pretend
I don't want to hear your reasons,
But I do.

You smiled in my face
With a knife behind your back
This is what jealousy feels like.

This is what projection feels like
Disguised as a friend
You pulled your tricks.

I hurt,
He hurt,
In time you will too.

Time told all that you tried to hide
So long friend,
I thought I knew.

I'm not bitter
I'm better
Isn't that why this started?

You owe me nothing,
But i'll never get it
So pay it forward with Karma.

"To each his own"
But my life was never your's to warp
It's mine to repair.

You went up against destiny,
And failed
Attempting to make yourself feel better.

Did it help?

Whip my hair while I walk! Aooooowwwww!

Ok at first i wasn't feeling this song, but it has grown on me. It doesn't help that everyone and they momma keeps singing it. But once i saw this video and tried to whip my hair I knew I had to add it onto my mp3. Imma whip my hair while i walk hunnii! LOL! Anyways check out this video. The dance is cute! but those girls could've wore more clothing. Shame on those parents!

I wanna scream!

I am definately loving the new look of my page. It definately fits my mood and situation. I feel so powerless right now. What can I possibly do right now to make a difference and prevent all this? It's becoming quite obvious that someone doesn't want me to be in love right now, and they aren't happy for me. It also seems like it is more than one person doing this. I could be wrong.

I am amazed and terrified that someone is out there with a strong desire to see me single. And the fact that they will do anything to make it happen is something to be worried about. They are not only trying to hurt me, they are also willing to hurt ppl i care about in the process.

What could possibly be gained from ending my relationship? Sure i would be heart broken and bitter, but that doesn't mean I am gonna run into their arms looking for comfort. That doesn't mean I am gonna be with them. And I won't stay depressed forever. What will this accomplish?

What inspired this craziness? What type of closure could I offer to end all this?

So many questions and nobody is brave enough to answer. All of this behind the scenes sh*t for what? so you can do your dirt and smile in my face. Be that shoulder I can cry on...while all the while you are happy that i am sad.

Here is my question! WHERE IN THE BLUE F*CK OF ALL F*CKS IS KARMA?!?!?!?! This situation definately calls for devine intervention and nothing is happening!!!!!!!! ummmm...why?????????? It's gonna be almost a year of this crap and it hasn't stopped yet. This person is taking time out of their day to do this sh*t. Strike them now Lord!

Well it would be nice if you could....

On top of that I feel bad for hurting my boo. Well I did right along with them. I gave them the amno, they pulled the trigger. And even though he has forgiven me, I have not forgiven myself. And I think I am taking this harder than him. This is what happens when i care about someone else's feelings. I ruined his first day of school experience with my shinans. Eventually I will forgive myself though.

So much drama in few hours it's a mess. Jesus take my wheel and give me a reason to relax. What's a girl to do when all this drama keeps happening?

Songs I am feeling!

Thelma Aoyama ft. Tae Yang- Fall In Love


2Ne1- Can't Nobody

Time

Bound by your restrictions
My smile you never want to see
If it can't be you,
Then it can't be him.

I was always around,
But never good enough.
What you needed.
But not at the time.

For 7 years I was here
A wallflower that was never picked
I sat blooming
Maturing into my beauty.

You watched me with observant eyes
Yet you never parted your lips
As i grew into my skin
They boys noticed me.

Biting your lip
The green in your eyes
Grew darker from jealousy
Continuing to sit on your hands.

He saw me from a distance,
And me his valentine
Priceless by his appraisal,
He reached out for my hand.

How dare you do such things
He doesn't have the right
You saw me first
So I should be your's by law of sight.

My heart is spoken for,
and it's not by your voice
Time was wasted
Your minute hand never reached for mine.

You are to blame
For you,
I never waited
Time on me in vain.

For keeps

I play your game
I have no choice
Right where you want me.

Everything to lose
These walls keep me
Within your reach.

No places is sacred
I run and run
Run...and...run.

Out of breathe
And options
Where is my sanctuary?

Heaven or Hell?
It's in the eyes of the beholder
This is no paradise...

This game of life
My right to love
Is up for debate.

Not your's to command
Yet you treat me as such
An object of your obsession.

I am my own
leave me be
I am my own.

You can't have me
The shadows you hide behind
Draw the line.

My life
my love
were promised to me.

Not for you to break
Karma's Angel
Forsakes...

One day
It will work in my favor
And shine a light.

Promised to him
Never to you
And that's why you play for keeps.

LOL Blog

So my homegirl was telling me about this trending topic on twitter called #wangwednesday. OMG somebody is gonna get pregnant. It was interesting to look at. The gay man who invented the Dick Slang must be the same one who invented this trending topic. Hunnii he knows how to play with a man's ego and make it work for him. He is definately getting a show from this. And don't get me started on the #morningwood trending topic. Well played inventor of the Dick Slang! Well played!

Nothing strokes a man's ego more than to brag about how big his penis is and see the girls drool all over it. And hunniiiiiiii they are thirsty! THEY NEED A GLASS OF WATER!!!!!!! I havbe told a few ppl about it so they can check it out. And now all of you can too LOL.

Traveling

I remember you like yesterday
Familiar pain of mine
this constant feeling.
I run to my happy place
only to see you’ve trashed it
Now I am nomadic.
All I hold dear…
memories treated like clutter
I move on...

Stay your a$$ in the past!

So a guy that i use to talk to sent me a message to me the other day. At first I was like “Oh jesus take the wheel!” but then I decided I wasn’t gonna pay him no mind. So he sent me a message saying hi. So I thought he had forgot who I was and I thought that was GREAT! Unfortunately he remembered me and wanted to talk about how we were dating at the time (no we weren’t…we were talking) but somehow we loss touch.
So I told him the truth. I told him that we were talking but when i barely heard from him i took it as him not being interested and left him alone. I don’t have time for games I move on. You gotta be cut and dry with these boys. You’ll never get respect if you feed into their sh*t. So then he said that he was. So I was curious to know what happened. Not the it would change anything, I just wanted to know.
This fool said he didn’t know. So I replied “wow that’s f*cked up…LOL”- That shows what kinda of guy he was. I’m glad we didn’t grow into anything he was a joke. But i bare no grudges. He passed me up and my boo found me. So i told him no hard feelings and that we could be friends if he wanted. He said ok and that was that.
Karma did get him though. He met his match. i read a status about him being in love with a girl and the next day she left him and he wanted to be alone. Maybe he needs to make up his mind and he wouldn’t be surrounded by indecisive ppl.